'Live Blogging' The Oscars (Page Two)

7:02   Not once in my 22 years on this Earth have I found Drew Barrymore even remotely attractive.  Not once.  Am I the only one?  Even at an awards show, where almost every female celebrity has their look manipulated so lavishly that they look do-able, Barrymore looks average at best.  Oh well, at least she’s introducing Beyonce.

7:03 – 7:05   Somehow Beyonce is not singing in English and not shaking her ass, yet she’s still incredibly sexy.  For all I know, she could be telling me she wants to pin my head down with her foot and make me lick the bunion on her big toe while she pees on my face.  And yet... I’m aroused.  (Mmmm… Beyonce bunions washed down with Beyonce's urine…)

7:10   Rock taped a segment for the show ahead of time, on location at the Magic Johnson Theatre. This is great for two reasons:

1.  First of all, it’s a nice changeup.  None of that musical medley crap Crystal used to pull.  We already know what the movies are, we don’t need anyone gaying them up with musical numbers.  If I wanted to watch the Tony Awards, I'd watch the Tony Awards.  Oh wait, no I wouldn't.  I'd kill myself.

2.  The segment has an obvious theme: poor, black people haven’t seen any of these movies, and the Oscars are obviously geared towards what white America likes.  Let's see, I have a huge dick, I'm really athletic, and I haven't seen any of these movies... I just realized I'm poor and black.  Hold on, I have to call my mom.

7:13   Scarlett is looking hot again, and this time she’s talking about science.  I almost wish I was at a nerdy Oscar party right now just so I could watch everyone else in the room try to slyly move their pocket protectors inside their pants.

7:20   I’ve never even heard of the movie that actually took the award, but I can’t express how happy I am that Supersize Me didn’t win for Best Documentary.  It may have been entertaining, but documentaries are supposed to be informative, and that one told us nothing we didn't already know.  If you need a documentary to tell you that eating McDonald’s three times a day isn’t good for your body, you deserve to have your anal virginity stolen by The Hamburgler while Grimace fucks you in the mouth with his big purple dick.

7:30   So here’s how I imagine the Academy secured Kirsten Dunst as a presenter:

Academy: We’d love for you to present the award for blah blah blah we’re dumb.

Kirsten: Well, my next film is set in the 1960’s and I’m playing an influential pioneer of the women’s rights movement, so I’m trying to get a feel for the role by increasing my confidence not just as a woman, but as a human being.  So I'll only do it if you let me stand next to a male co-presenter whose ass I could totally kick.  Also, it wouldn’t hurt if he were gay.

Academy: We’ll see if Orlando Bloom is available.  How's that?

Kirsten:  Perfect.

7:34   At some point in the past five years, Adam Duritz transformed into Sideshow Bob.  Either that, or Spongebob Squarepants lives in his head under the sea.

7:42   At this point, I’ve lost concentration thanks to Adam Sandler, whom I personally love in a totally non-ungay way.  He’s trying to hand out the award for Best Adapted Screenplay, and his awkwardness never fails to make me laugh.  There are a lot of hardened celebs out there who are way too into their image, making sure they never seem vulnerable or make asses of themselves.  Yet Sandler is perfectly content being a stuttering dumbass.  Fuck poise. 

7:46   While showing clips for the movies nominated for Best Visual Effects, they showed Will Smith doing one of his famous “badass cop who says tough things even though he’s an over-the-top metrosexual” routines, this one coming during I, Robot.  That had to be an accident.  Otherwise, the integrity of The Academy Awards just took a huge nosedive.  In fact, while the guys from Spiderman 2 were accepting the award, I think I saw the penis on one of the Oscar statues shrivel up.

8:10   Some guy named Chris Landreth just won something for a film called Ryan.  He has a pony tail, and had a hot chick sitting next to him.  No guy with a pony tail should ever have his legs left unbroken, let alone win an Academy Award, have a hot wife, and be on national television all at the same time.

8:13   I always forget Kate Winslett is British.  Every time I hear her talk I have to totally adjust everything I’ve ever thought about her.  Basically, I have to start wondering what her British nipples feel like instead of wondering what her American nipples feel like.

8:20   Every word that comes out of the sexy Latino mouths of Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek gets me aroused.  Although I guess their half-exposed breasts don’t hurt, either.  Except sometimes when I squeeze them too hard.

8:22   My latin lovers just handed out two Oscars: Ray won for Best Sound Mixing and The Incredibles won for Best Sound Editing.  Isn't it about time they add a third worthless sound category?  I think we're due.

8:28   Antonio Banderas is singing.  Antonio Banderas is singing.  Antonio Banderas is singing.  I need one of two things right now: a tape of one of those old Chris Kattan SNL skits where he’d rip into Antonio’s broken English (to make me laugh), or a horse tranquilizer (to sedate me).  Either one would make the pain of this nonsense go away, and either one could be injected in my ass if that's what it takes.  I don’t even care at this point.  Just make it stop.

8:48   You might say, "Anyone who hears the name Yo Yo Ma and immediately thinks of Seinfeld isn’t very cultured.”  But I think it’s just the opposite.  Anyone who hears the name Yo Yo Ma and thinks of the cellist before the Seinfeld episode where Kramer gets his head beaten in by Crazy Joe Divola (and as a result, blurts out "Yo Yo Ma!" completely out of the blue) can’t possibly be a well-rounded human being.

Anyway, Mr. Ma is playing his cello during the annual tribute to dead people, which I look forward to every year because it always follows the same hilarious formula.  One second the crowd is roaring for Rodney Dangerfield, and at the snap of a finger you hear crickets as his picture is replaced by some unknown dude who won both worthless sound awards a record 28 years in a row.  By the time the courtesy claps start to roll in, it’s already on to Marlon Brando, and everyone was going to cheer for him anyway.

8:57   P. Diddy just introduced Josh Groban and Beyonce to perform a song from Polar Express.  He seems to be able to get his foot into anything.  Except his fat sparkly mouth.  But at least Beyonce and Groban go together like peas and carrots.  And by peas and carrots, I mean pee and carrots.

8:58   Getting Beyonce to perform most of these songs was either the best or worst thing the Academy has ever done, in terms of making my penis feel good.  I love looking at this woman… but boners can be painful when you don’t get a chance to take your regularly scheduled piss breaks during the normally unsexy musical performances.

9:00   Prince is on to present the Oscar for Best Song.  I’d love for him to stand back-to-back with Hilary Swank’s front teeth, just to see which is taller.  Game, blouses.

9:03   Sean Penn never seems to know his role.  He’s supposed to be handing out the award for Best Actress, but first he decides to address one of Chris Rock’s monologue jokes from 150 minutes earlier.

Rock was trying to make the point in his opening that producers don’t hold out for big stars like Tom Cruise or Russell Crow anymore.  He urged them, "When you can't get Tom Cruise, just Jude Law, wait!"  Then later made reference to Law coming out of nowhere to appear in every movie, and going so far as to ask who the hell he is.  Most of us understood it was a joke, seeing as how Rock is a comedian and all.

But Penn predictably took exception to the same joke even Law himself probably laughed at, and made it be known right after he got done trotting out there.  "In response to the question of who Jude Law is, he's one of our finest actors."  Come on dude.  You played fucking Spicoli.  At this point you could have 35 Best Actor awards in your trophy case and no one would take your pompous thespian or political views seriously, because you can't seem to express them at an appropriate time.

9:06   Yao Ming Teeth predictably takes Best Actress.

9:13   Rock playfully gets the last laugh, threatening to send the big black dudes he earlier referred to as his accountants to take care of Penn.  John Chaney would be proud.

9:19   We’ve reached the point in the broadcast where seven commercials come between every word.  And most of them are promos for ABC’s shitty programming.  Seriously, who has worse vision… Ray Charles’ rotting corpse, the main character on the upcoming cop drama Blind Justice, or the ABC exec who gave Blind Justice the green light?  I’m calling it right now: shelf life of five episodes.  Tops.

9:26   Charlize Theoron just handed Jamie Foxx the trophy for Best Actor.  He gave an excellent speech, but I can’t get the thought of him playing Wanda on In Living Color out of my head.  The temporary tattoo he has on the back of his head for his current project and Oprah giving the “black power” signal in the audience (not a joke… unfortunately) were also pretty distracting.  In any case, that guy is fucking talented.

As a result of Foxx taking home the trophy, Johnny Depp remains the best, most accomplished, most versatile actor, in my opinion, without an Academy Award on his mantle.  By a long shot… especially now that Freeman has one.  With apologies to Norton and Pitt, also two of my favorites.  I hate everyone else.

9:33   I think Clint Eastwood just tried to make out with Julia Roberts while collecting his Best Director trophy.  Which kicks geriatric ass.

9:36   Barbara Streisand refuses to share the microphone with Dustin Hoffman when they're called up to announce the crown jewel of the evening, the Oscar for Best Picture.  Does she not realize she’s standing directly in front of the thing… and that she’s not very thin?  Moooooo-ve over, cow.

9:37  Nevermind.  Hoffman's clearly drunk.  Guard that mic with your life, Babs.

9:40  Million Dollar Baby wins Best Picture, and the orchestra tries to cut off the acceptance speech as if there are more commercials to get to.

9:41  Chris Rock is from Brooklyn.

THE END