'Live Blogging' The Oscars

Quick Preface:  Everyone's definition of 'Live Blogging' is different.  For me, it's jotting down a quick note when a thought comes to my head during a live broadcast, time-stamping it, then going back and elaborating later.  Hence, I just got done writing 5,000 words about an event that was mildly entertaining.  A three hour event dedicated to honoring a bunch of movies I've never seen because I can't sit still for more than ten minutes.

5:50   I tuned in just in time to catch the tail end of Barbara Walters' Oscar Special.  If her asking Jamie Foxx, "How do you keep it real?" is the highlight of my night, I'll consider the evening a success.

6:00   Chris Connelly is co-hosting the Oscar pre-game show, which couldn’t be more appropriate.  When I was a college freshman, he defected from MTV and temporarily had a show on ESPN called Unscripted, which came out around the same time as Pardon the Interruption.  It aired just before PTI every weekday, and my roommate and I strategically scheduled our classes around that hour of television.

Obviously it goes without saying that we wanted to catch PTI for its brilliance.  Unscripted, on the other hand… well, we watched that because we liked counting how many times Connelly could extend a syllable in an attempt to add emphasis, only to have his voice crack.  There's no doubt in my mind this will come into play later...

6:05   Nice of Spike Lee to pay homage to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with those glasses.

6:06   ABC just showed flashbacks of what they call the three best acceptance speeches in Oscar history.  Which got me thinking…

Everyone bitches about how long and boring the Oscars are.  You want to liven up this ceremony?  Make it a requirement that Roberto Benigni has to be involved in some way, every single year.  It doesn’t matter how you do it, but I recommend putting him in a small cage near the front of the stage, strategically tranquilizing him so he remains comatose until someone’s accepting an award for cinematography, animation, or makeup.  Would you rather listen to an artsy douche thank a bunch of meaningless people, or watch a hyperactive Italian systematically dismantle an iron cage in a display that would make the Tasmanian Devil blush?  I know, I know, it sounds like a toss up...

6:19   I’ve never been attracted to Scarlett Johansson until tonight.  Maybe it was my bitterness towards Lost in Translation being so overrated last year, or maybe I still can’t get the mental image of her having sex with Benicio Del Toro’s nasty ass in an elevator.  I’m not sure.  But she looks great, so I’ll probably be re-thinking my opinion on her throughout the night.  Depending on how many cleavage shots ABC can score.

6:21   Yes!  Connelly, right before the final pre-ceremony commercial break: “The show is less than nine minutes awayeeeyaayeyaeee!!”  (Three voice-cracks in one drawn-out syllable… I believe we have a new record.)

6:25   If I was ever kidnapped and forced into crossing over to bestiality, then asked by my captors what species of animal I’d prefer injecting with my semen… I’d definitely fuck a Mexican rat.  And its name would be Penelope Cruz.

That was meant as a compliment.  (I’m single for a reason.)

6:30   It’s Chris Rock time, and I expect him to absolutely kill.  The tide has finally turned and we no longer have to put up with that Billy Crystal bullshit.  I think Brendon at The Superficial did a great job summing up the general public’s frustration with Crystal’s hosting abilities: “How any one could like that whiny fuck baffles me. You could strap me down in an oxygen tent filled with nothing but nitrous, feed me 20 pounds of pot and tickle me - and I still wouldn’t laugh at anything Billy Crystal has ever said.”  As for me, I wish he’d just get it over with and admit he’s blown Robin Williams on several occasions.

6:32   Oh wait, before Rock comes out, first there’s one of those montage intros, where they show clips from 90 different classic films that we already new existed, and didn’t tune-in tonight to be reminded of.  I think I’ll take a piss.  On my television.

6:34   I come back in to see some old footage of Charlie Chaplin walking away from the camera, with Shrek superimposed into the scene… and one of Eminem's songs playing in the background.  I'm afraid to even ask what that was all about.

6:35 – 6:44   The third word out of Rock’s mouth during his opening routine is “asses.”  He then proceeds to rip as many people in the audience (and Hollywood) as possible.  Jude Law, Tobey McGuire, Colin Farrell, Halle Berry… and then himself.  It’s vintage Chris Rock, minus the language.  Obviously he couldn't rip through his most lethal material, but I’m glad to see he figured out a way to keep it somewhat clean without compromising his style, which I love.  He’s not one to hold back on anyone, anything, any place, or any race.  But at the same time he’s equally hard on himself, where he’s from, and his own race.  So you can’t really hate on him… unless you don’t like honesty.  In which case… let’s date.

I couldn’t help but notice that roughly 90% of the cameras were focused on the black stars in the audience during Rock’s monologue.  ABC sure is proud of themself for nabbing a black host, and they seem intent on making sure the black presence is felt during this broadcast.  For a good six or seven minutes, the camera shots rotated between Halle Berry, Morgan Freeman, Jamie Foxx, P. Diddy, Oprah, and Samuel L. Jackson…

I doubt this will continue the entire night, but if this were to become a running theme, and I were a cameraman or producer, I'd try sneaking in a racially confused guy like Kevin Federline or Justin Timberlake, just to encourage future cornrow craziness.

6:47   Time for the first real award (I was busy trying to fix my e-mail during Best Art Direction), and it’s for Best Supporting Actor.  Wait, the guy who played the retard mechanic on Wings is also in Sideways?  Okay, I’m definitely seeing that.  That guy ruled.

6:49:   Morgan Freeman takes it.  He’s good at acting.  This halfway makes up for losing in 1994, when his Shawshank Redemption character was up against the toughest overall Oscar competition I’ve ever seen.  There were so many good movies crammed into that calendar year, and they weren’t the artsy kind that seem to hog the nominations more often than not.  Forrest Gump, Shawshank, Pulp Fiction, Legends of the Fall, Ed Wood, Interview With the Vampire, Dumb & Dumber… and I hear Little Women, Four Wedding and a Funeral, and Quiz Show were good as well.  But I have no desire to sit through any of those last three unless I'm faking a coma to get attention.  And only because asking someone to change the channel, or doing it myself for that matter, would be a dead giveaway.

6:53   First commercial break.  Ellen Degeneres says her American Express card “always backs her up.”  There’s got to be a good lesbian joke in there somewhere.

6:54   Time for the obligatory “Oh shit, Robin Williams is on crack and he’s wandering towards that microphone” awards show moment, where he ends up talking about nothing relevant at the speed of light.  In the midst of ripping Joan Rivers and doing cartoon impressions, he asks “What are we talking about?”  No one knows, so he shuts up and hands out the award for Best Animated Feature.

I’m a little disappointed Shrek 2 didn’t win (it went to The Incredibles), simply because it made an awkward date I had this summer somewhat enjoyable.  Which is exactly what every Oscar should be based on: how much the movie helped me swallow my miserable life.

6:56:   Speaking of swallowing… somewhere in the audience, Billy Crystal just noticed Robin’s stunning pink shirt.  After letting out a fake cough, he tells his wife he needs to get a drink.  He then heads backstage to take a swig from Robin’s erect penis.

7:00   We’re only 30 minutes into this thing, and I’ve already had three Socko energy drinks.  Somehow they were out of Red Bull and Monster at the 7-11 across the street, so I went with this local brand.  It tastes better than both of the others, so I didn't even realize how quickly I was downing the stuff.  Much like Billy Crystal, I think I’ve found my new drink of choice.

ON TO PAGE TWO!