Today I'm unleashing the first installment of a new feature I've been meaning to start for a while now.  I've always wanted to have a weekly/monthly "list" segment, where I could throw out my rankings for just about anything.  PK always did Top Ten Lists on his old site, and I always wanted to give it a whirl... but I could never put together an original name or style that felt right.

But while throwing out random numbers and trying to think of alliteration'd words, it finally hit me last week.  I stumbled into a Tommy Boy-esque "two.. four... niner..." and when I heard that "niner" in there I knew I had to go with it.  So here's the first of the Weekly Niners:  The Best and Worst Male TV Personalities.

BEST

1. Conan O'Brien:  Sure, you could blame the state of today's troubled youth on drugs, alcohol, rap music, and the divorce rate.  But I blame NBC for taking normal kids with a decent sense of humor and giving them the following ultimatum:  miss out on a solid hour of uplifting, comedic entertainment, or lose more than 10% of your nightly rest.  Seriously, how late do kids have to stay up to see some decent programming?  At NBC, you have to suffer through an extra, unnecessary hour of tired, suicide-inducing jokes spouting from a fat corporate chin before you get to the goods.  It's a fucking travesty the late night crown comes attached to Leno's silver lining, and not Conan's spunky orange mop.

2. Jimmy Kimmel:  Between The Man Show, Jimmy Kimmel Live, and Crank Yankers, everything he touches turns to gold.  Which means, judging by all his masturbation jokes, if all those shows go to hell he could always pawn his 24-carat dick off for a few bucks.  But seriously, his dry wit gets me every time.  I think he's one of the five funniest men alive right now, not to mention one of the hardest working guys in television.  He's also the anti-Leno:  hiring the people he wants, doing the jokes and segments he wants... you always get the feeling he's doing his show his way, not the network's way.

3. Woody Paige:  Bumbling idiot, or just a silly old man?  I say both.  If you take this guy seriously, you'll want to punch him directly in the face... but if you sit back and enjoy his clumsy analyses, you'll be pleasantly surprised when he pulls a good point out of his ass.  If you're up in time to catch Cold Pizza in the morning, I suggest watching him lay waste to the villainous Skip Bayless with his beautiful charts and intricate math equations.  If you're not up that early, you can watch him do the same to the just-as-evil Jay "Eyebrows" Mariotti on Around the Horn.  (If you're picking up on all this good vs. evil symbolism, you're right... ESPN's programming can serve as a wonderful Star Wars substitute for non-dorks.)

4. Tony Kornheiser:  Regularly kicks Wilbon's sorry ass all over the studio during segments like "Toss Up" - and he's technically not even a sports columnist.  If you're a woman trying to earn brownie points by participating in your man's sports obsession, I suggest sitting with him while he watches Pardon The Interruption.  (Or you could just suck his cock.)  Because even someone who absolutely detests sports can appreciate Kornheiser's humor, as he regularly rips off one-liners such as, "Did I know Pat O'Brien was out of rehab?  Of course I did, he's left me like 17 voicemails already!"

5. Peter Griffin:  Sorry Homer, there's only room for one animated dad on this list.  But if I ever publish one circa 1997, I'll be sure to include you.  Unfortunately, there's also only room for one Family Guy character, so I have to give it to the head of the household.

Honorable Mention:  Jack Bauer, Dave Chappelle (pop some meds, get back on the air, and I'll plug you right in at #2), and George Costanza (even in syndication, it was tough to leave an architect/importer/exporter/latex salesman as great as Art Vandelay off the list).

WORST

1.  Skip Bayless:  The biggest hypocrite in the sports industry, and it's not even close.  How many times has this spineless twit bashed athletes such as Terrell Owens, Randy Moss, or Barry Bonds for being controversial showboats, then turned around and written opinion-based, fact-lacking articles just to grab some attention, or slithered over to the minority side of an issue just to cause a stir?  And come on, enough with the gay pointing.

2.  Stephen A. Smith.  Seriously, where the hell did this guy come from?  Does he have credentials, or does he just use his big fucking mouth to score interviews with NBA players and edit out the slurping sounds before they hit the air?  If ESPN thinks hiring these controversial schmucks is a good move because of the whole "it's human nature to become infatuated by tragedy" angle, they're dead wrong.  I'm a religious ESPN viewer, and the only time I change the channel during one of their regular programs is when Stephen "At the end of the day, what it all comes down to" Smith won't shut the fuck up.

3.  Doug Stanhope.  The Man Show is supposed to entertain the average guy, not be hosted by him.  Sure, Jimmy and Adam came off as regular dudes, but they were hilarious, brilliant regular dudes.  This unfunny, disgusting pile of trash not only managed to make the mildly humorous Joe Rogan look like Jerry Seinfeld on TMS, but he also single-handedly ruined Girls Gone Wild.  Hey guys, I know it's a toughie, but were you more likely to buy those videos when the commercials made you want to jerk off, or when Doug's scraggly, drunken ass was plastered all over the screen, covering up those beautiful, blurry boobies?  At least Snoop Dogg had some sexy long hair.  I can work with that.

4.  Stuart Scott:  I'll never knock his skills, as he's one of the most poised, versatile broadcasters my untrained eye has ever seen on television.  He never misses a beat.  But longtime readers know my beef with Stu Scott.  It's something I've always called "The Emperor's New Ebonics" - referring to the fact that the hip-hop, "Hey guys, I'm black too!" jive he spits makes absolutely no sense, yet the old white suits at ESPN won't lay the hammer down because they assume it's something the young/urban audience is hip to.  If I want crazy, cock-eyed gibberish, I'll pop in Goonies and fast forward to Sloth's scenes.

Honorable Mention:  None.  These guys are the worst.  There's no fine line.  Even when it comes to guys like Carson Daly and Bill O'Reilly... at least they give great head.