TO: JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT

The names listed below have signed this virtual petition because they have yet to follow the dialogue or plot of a single cinematic/televised event you have appeared in, largely because they've been too busy staring at your unfortunately always-covered rack.  They're sure you take pride in your craft, but the fact remains:  the roles and films you've chosen, your acting skills and camera presence... no one gives a shit about any of that.  We just want to see your boobs.

The people below refuse to support a career based upon hidden areolas, which are always knowingly and slightly concealed to drive attention away from whatever the hell is going on in those movies you make about God knows what.

In the past, you've been known to shake quotes like "My breasts have a career of their own," out of an unseen hole allegedly located an unidentified number of inches above your chest.  Some who witnessed that quote say the hole was your mouth, others were unavailable for comment because they were still masturbating to the thought of your covered chest inexplicably becoming unclothed.  In any event, you've played your male fans off as breast-following sheep one too many times.  Starting today, they're still sheep, but they're sheep smart enough to know that their sheepish balls are done being a sheepish shade of sheepish blue.

No longer will they agree to sit through "Heartbreakers" with a girlfriend or wife, eyes glazed over as your nipple-less cleavage bounces from scene to scene.  They're done being more consumed with your milk bags than knowing what someone did last summer, or still knowing what someone did last summer, or knowing who did whatever someone supposedly did last summer.  In fact, they're sick of coming out of your movies not even knowing what season it is.

TERMS OF BOYCOTT.

The names below are boycotting every career move you make, henceforth, until you willingly expose your breasts for public viewing.  Until that point, your movies will receive no box office support from the people below, nor will magazines featuring you be read, television shows casting you be watched, or products you endorse be consumed.  No one's really sure if there are people out there that support your career beyond the idea that keeping it alive will eventually lead to seeing you without a top on, but we're all about to find out.

REQUIREMENTS FOR REVERSING BOYCOTT.

Letting your top slip off while walking your dog will not be accepted, as nipple slips captured by the paparazzi will do nothing to get this petition reversed.  In fact, the ways to negate the actions agreed upon by the people below include only predetermined events, completely exclusive to:

1.) Posing for Playboy, allowing a spread of no less than ten photos to appear in the magazine.

2.) Engaging in some sort of softcore pornography, preferably including a lesbian scene or two with your former "Party of Five" cast mate Lacey Chabert.  Some of us aren't sure who's hotter between the two of you, so that might help us get a better grip on that... among other things.

3.) Appearing in a film that features a raunchy sex romp lasting no less than 1 minute and 45 seconds... a film which must be directed by Quentin Tarantino.  Also, your partner has to die in a creative way as he builds towards orgasm, because that would be sweet for a lot of reasons.

4.) Filming a sex tape with one or many of the people listed below, on an individual basis, and giving official rights to release the footage to the popular entertainment website GorillaMask.net.

Thank you for your time.

THE SIGNATURES.  (SIGNATURE PERIOD NOW CLOSED.)