The images below are screen shots of two different "Yahoo! News Photo" pages posted on Tuesday.  Although the captions are provided by two different services (the one on the left by the Associated Press, the one on the right by AFP/Getty Images), I found the wording used to describe two identical scenarios (with one obvious variable)... "interesting."
 

(I'll be all over the Great Northwest this weekend -- with no pause in updates! -- starting with today's flight to Seattle.  I plan on being drunk almost every night, so if you live in that beautiful part of the country and want to join me, check the schedule and e-mail me.)

I've been trying to relieve the personal grief Hurricane Katrina has caused me (I once had a layover in New Orleans) by turning the news coverage into a drinking game.  But I might as well hang glide through the south with a "Turn all mass recently affected by a natural disaster into an equal amount of alcohol" converter strapped over my mouth, because every set of rules I test spanks my liver and I land on the couch an hour later. 

That was my failed attempt at adding humor to a list of sites where you can donate to help Hurricane Katrina victims:  American Red Cross, Salvation Army, Feed the Children.

(With the added burdens of maintaining and launching a few new projects this week, I will have very little time to write any worthwhile commentary.  But not only is the stuff I'm working on going to be spectacular, it has me sitting at my new vomit-free computer all day long.  As a result, you'll notice me adding links to the Web Finds, along with galleries and media files, sporadically throughout the day to keep my insanity.  So check back every five seconds, or risk having to burn calories in your obese phalanges by scrolling down.)

I posted today's Web Finds/Spank Bank/Media Files despite puking all over my laptop in my New Mexico hotel last night, which I still have no recollection of returning to after my evening of apparent absurdity.  But I'll have more on that later.  Right now I'm sick of typing on keys that are sticky... or maybe I'm just mad because they're sticky for reasons that don't involve pornography and overshooting a handheld Kleenex shield.  In any case, today's six hour drive from Las Cruces to Phoenix is all that lies between me, you, a return to daily updates, a trip recap, and a spacebar I don't have to donkey punch to utilize.

Hello children.  Although we're still on the road (Dallas, to be exact), I thought I'd post a few things while we had some down time.  And then I went ahead and did it.  On top of the links, media files, and small gallery below, pleas take note of these two important items:

(And just for future notice, don't type "pleas" when you're trying to type "please" because not only will spell check not notify you that you forgot the second "e" thanks to "pleas" being an actual word, but you'll also get a ridiculously strong urge to masturbate in the collective eyes of a large gathering of baby ducklings when mama duck isn't looking.  Or maybe that last part was just me.  Agree to disagree.  On to the notices:)

1.  We're scheduled to land back in Phoenix on Friday night, so expect the regular, daily, doused-with-awesomeness updates to start back up this weekend, including a trip recap if I can remember all of this incredible shit.  I'm still trying to figure out why I can't sign on to AIM or check my e-mail without being flooded with questions like "d00d y no udpates dis week?"  But then I remember that in my last post before vacation I accidentally stumbled upon the HTML tag for "make text invisible to retards" and applied it to the following sentence, which was in the first fucking paragraph on the main page for eight days: "I'll have Internet access on this trip, although I doubt I'll be updating the site."

2.  I like this guy.  Probably a little too much.

As previously noted, in a few hours I'm hopping a plane to Virginia, only to turn right around and drive back to Phoenix with my relocating non-sexual partner Smitty.  The itinerary for the cross-country tour is now officially set, with stops along the way at six colleges in seven cities.  Check out the updated Cross Country Tour Page, and if you're somewhere along the way and want to get rowdy, e-mail me for info on the parties/events planned at each stop.  (I'll have Internet access on this trip, although I doubt I'll be updating the site.)

Also, many of you enjoyed the "Celebrity Roundup" posts I featured a few weeks back, and have asked about the celeb gossip site I was producing for the writer (former Superficial contributor Brendon).  This week we finally got it completely functional, although it's still a skeleton of what will end up being a sick final product.  You can find his pieces at What Would Tyler Durden Do.  Bookmark it, he posts several times on most days.

Among the reasons 18-year-old Scott Harper probably shouldn't have made that 40 foot leap from the upper deck to "test whether the net behind home plate could hold his weight" at Yankee Stadium last week:  The potential physical harm he could have caused himself and other fans, he's ugly, it was fucking rude... oh, and he'd downed "several beers."   Pair that last one with the surprisingly limited number of escape routes available on the netting, and you don't exactly have a recipe for avoiding jail time.

But the biggest reason people shouldn't do moronic things in public places these days is the unlimited potential for Internet ridicule that lies on the other side of their dumbassery.  And since I am obviously a flawless person, I can thoroughly enjoy participating in the e-deflation of these people without ever having to worry about suffering the same consequences.  That's why I do antagonistic things when I think they're getting off easy.  Like setting up Photoshop contests in my forum, then creating a page dedicated to my favorite entries, then encouraging viewers who aren't forum members to submit their own creations:

Best of the "Dumbass Yankee Fan" Photoshop Contest

Related:  Letterman's Top Ten List, Brian Peppers Contest

I can't wait to tune in to the Pamela Anderson Roast Sunday, for four specific reasons.  First of all, judging by the photos below, Courtney Love is going to make a spectacle of herself.  Which is something that only happens like 3-4 times per month, so set your TiVo.

Second of all, you've got Jimmy Kimmel hosting.  It goes without saying, that alone will make the event hilarious.  Third of all, I've got the over/under on how many roasters will take the stage before one of them has the balls to play the Hepatitis card set at 3 1/2, and several of my friends have money on it.  (Feel free to play along at home!)  And finally... after the show ends, the suspense will finally be over, and we'll get to see the commercial Comedy Central has chosen to replace the Roast spots in their satanically repetitive four ad rotation.  And then we'll all inadvertently memorize it within three commercial breaks.

(If you want to see more photos from the taping of the event, head over to JustJared.com.)

In six days, all Gorilla Mask operations will grind to a halt for a while as I do my best to terrorize the entire southern half of the United States.  Next week, I'm flying to Virginia to pick up my buddy Smitty, who's moving to Phoenix to join me in the pursuit of some entrepreneurial opportunities.  We're packing his entire life into the back of his Rodeo and driving across the country back to Arizona.  We plan on making it a voyage of epic proportions.  In fact, I'll be documenting every aspect of the trip, and publishing it here.

If it takes us a few extra days (or even weeks), that's fine, but we want to see as many people and places as possible.  We have a few stops planned along the way, but we have plenty of holes to fill.  (Ladies, if you help us fill our holes, we'll be glad to return the favor.)

But seriously, I'm always down to meet new people.  So whether you're male or female, if you're in the rough vicinity of the route we're taking and you'd like to entertain us, or even just grab a beer, let me know.  I'm keeping an updated draft of our itinerary, including stops we're making, venues we'll be hitting, and general tidbits about the trip as they mount up:

GorillaMask.net Cross-Country Tour - Itinerary Page   |   Webmaster Profile (NEW)

I just got back from what every hardcore sports gamer should consider their adult version of Christmas.  I'm talking, of course, about picking up my reserved copy of Madden NFL 2006 on the day it finally hit the shelves, a yearly ritual that, even at 23, brings me more childish joy than every Christmas present I can remember since my dad bought me the immortal Tecmo Super Bowl nearly 14 years ago.

In fact, due to an immense amount of boredom and anticipation last night, I spent way too much time comparing opening presents on my childhood Christmas mornings to playing the game for the first time on Madden Release Days, and found the parallels to be ridiculous. 

Just like those winter mornings spent with my family, you've got sweaters that double as lame crimes against fashion (thanks to the digital version of Bill Belichick).  Spoiled brats who'd rather pout for more than be happy with the ridiculous amount they're reeling in (Terrell Owens).  Potheads and major screw-ups showing rare signs of reliability by making an appearance, even though they're doing it all for the loot (Ricky Williams).  You've got me locking myself in my room jiggling something in my hand despite everyone warning me that it will make me go blind (we're getting into the teenage years here).  Successful family members making fools of their less-fortunate, less-talented, mildly-retarded siblings by showing off their flashy gifts (Colts vs. Giants!).  And of course, every year I get so caught up in the excitement that I forget we're supposed to be celebrating the birthday of a man so accomplished that he's taken on a near-mythical status, and is referred to by many simply as "JC" (Happy belated 29th birthday, Mr. Chasez.  You homosexual beast of a man!)

Yesterday I had the chance to chat with newly-minted comic superstar Dane Cook, merely hours after he officially made a long-overdue jump his rabid fan base has always considered inevitable.  With the Wednesday afternoon announcement that his second CD, Retaliation, had debuted higher on the Billboard chart than any comedy album in recorded history (fourth!), he metaphorically took one of his trademark flailing jumpkicks, when something stranger-than-Dane-himself happened: for once he didn't land flat on his ass in an uproariously hilarious fashion.  Instead, after 15 years of paying his standup dues and jiggling the doorknob to comedy superstardom, at the age of 33 he planted a nasty roundhouse that finally blasted the fucking door down.

And somehow, my dumb ass was involved on the day he crossed that monumental threshold, inexplicably scheduled to conduct a 30 minute phone interview.  We discussed everything from his new album, to his comedy style, inspirations, beloved Red Sox, hecklers, and video games.  Check it:

Dane Cook: The Gorilla Mask Interview

(I'm heading to Vegas to do a radio show and help throw a four-day bachelor party for my old college roommate.  Updates are set to appear on Friday, but after that don't expect any site additions until Monday morning.  Ladies...  I'll have e-mail access via cell phone.)